October 1st is approaching quickly and this is when I start my next 10-Day Fast.

Do I want to do it?

Yes.

Do I really want to do it?

No.

What is this ambivalence?

Oh, I could come up with many dishwater grey reasons for it. Like I am having my period and just want to eat. I don’t feel like I am satisfied with what I have been eating. I am stressed all the time about something or another.

What is it really? Why do I continue to struggle with this fear?Why do I not want to live?

The fear is I don’t like the complications of illness. I fear I am not going to die but suffer more like amputation. That ten-year-old is still thinking I deserve this suffering. That I do not get happiness. And then I make others suffer around me. I don’t understand why I have to be so angry. Why am I so sad, irritated, impatient…? the list could go on.

Why can I not leave the past in the past? I have read so much on the Now. Yet I can’t just be in the present. Instead I work from this past which is slowly killing me.

I am doing this 30-day free course by Benjamin Hardy PHD. I’m also doing a lot of journalling. We shall see where it will take me… Ben Hardy is working with the coruse subscribers to see their future selves.

I don’t know if this is the way to go; but right now I am taking that step to do it. I know there has to be some letting go and I fear this. It is a good time to delve into this with the world in such upheaval.

–Nicole

P.S. Hardy’s 30 day course is based on his book Personality Isn’t Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story (which is available through amazon.ca or amazon.com). It may be a good one to add to your library. I haven’t read it yet—just going through his course, first. This is enough right now. I have many books on my reading list and videos surrounding COVID-19 that are keeping me busy.